I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
