FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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