you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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