I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize