Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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