She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize