So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
