my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
