my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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