Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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