I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
