there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
