We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
