My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
