Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
