Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
