the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
