I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
