I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
