I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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