Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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