finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i think im in europe. pls send help
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
