had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
