opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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