Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
