I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize