fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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