im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
