so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
