the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
