so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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