I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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