This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
