booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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