is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
