You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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