he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
