Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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