u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
