Tell her she can't have a vagina
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
