proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
