I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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