Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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