If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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