I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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