Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
