Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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