and she was petting her beer can
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I would ride that face into the sunset
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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