So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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