He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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