Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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