The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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