You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
