someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
why is half of my head shaved?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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