I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
