I wanna bring you to show and tell
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
