1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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