Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
