She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
