Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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