i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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