HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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