The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
