it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
