My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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