I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
