You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i wish my penis had a tongue
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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