I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
