He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
