I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
